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My Review of Pirates IV


Know what’s a funny sound?

The clapping of a solitary person in a packed movie theatre when the credits start to roll. Nobody else is clapping because, well, no one else thought the movie was worth the effort.

I know I’m going to get some hate mail for this. Bring it! I went and saw Pirates IV this weekend with my sis and mom. Not so much because I couldn’t wait to see it, but because my mom is a huge Johnny Depp/Jack Sparrow fan. Since she’s moving away from me at the end of this week, not taking her to see it (her last, dying request) would be like ripping a sucker out of a toddler’s mouth.

The movie itself was entertaining, and I heard a lot of people say that it was really, really good, and that it had a “story” to it like the first one did.

I have to disagree with them. But I did like the mermaids. They reminded me on my mermaid in White City. Ah, Deasura….

While the other movies had a plotline that focused on other characters with Jack popping in to offer humorous relief with his witty one-liners, he was never really the focus of the movies, just a necessary part. In IV, he is the plot. And I’m not sure I liked that.

Besides the obvious difference of having lighter hair (bugged me throughout the whole movie. Jack Sparrow does NOT have highlights!), his character seemed watered down. He wasn’t as funny and Depp didn’t seem to play him to his full ability (could it be, that after four installments, Depp is finally tired of playing the same character? Especially one as potent as Sparrow?) I swore that I had heard him use the same lines and witty remarks that he had used in prior movies. But I could be wrong.

And as far as “it has a story like the first one did.” Judge for yourself. Warning: spoilers ahead.

Three parties are looking for the Fountain of Youth. Sparrow and Gibbs are captured! Sparrow escapes while eating a delicious looking creampuff! And while swinging out the window on a rope, no less!

The Spaniards, King George (Harry Potter’s uncle) led by the reformed Captain Barbosa, and Sparrow (aboard Blackbeard’s ship who is also Angelica Malone’s (Penelope Cruz) dad). Things happen, Jack finds out someone is impersonating him to get a crew together for the search of the Fountain. He investigates. There’s a fight! Jack wins! Oh, no! He’s trapped with the impersonator (Angelica) as the King’s army is trying to capture him. They fight! They escape!

Wait, Angelica drugs him and he is captured yet again and a prisoner on Blackbeard’s ship. He leads a mutiny, fails, and the cook dies as punishment. There’s a missionary prisoner on board, but he doesn’t really play a part until the end-ish. But I did like his character.

A mermaid’s tear is needed to get the Fountain to work, so Blackbeard and his crew try and trap one. It backfires and a whole fleet of them try to kill Blackbeard and his crew. Luckily, the missionary helps trap one. Sort of. They take off through the jungle.

Enter Barbosa and his crew. They come upon the aftermath of the mermaid/sailor massacre (the mermaid’s won, but they’re still pissed, evidenced by the fact that they took down Barbosa’s ship while he and some of his men are on shore). They traipse off after Jack, looking for two silver chalices also needed for the Fountain to work.

Time is a-wasting and Blackbeard needs to get to the fountain before the others, but he also needs the cups! He forces Jack to go by threatening to kill Cruze/his daughter/Jack’s one true love. Jack goes and meets up with Barbosa! They fight (kinda) and talk. Barbosa doesn’t really care about the Fountain *Shock*, he just wants to kill Blackbeard. They agree to help the other out. But the cups are gone! The Spaniards have already been there! They go to the Spaniard’s camp, steal the cups and leave the Spaniards in the dust.

Meanwhile, the mermaid won’t give up a tear, even when Blackbeard realizes that she likes the missionary and he her, and he kills the missionary!!! They tie her up, half in water, half out, so that when the sun rises, she’ll bake and die. But wait! The missionary isn’t dead! They tricked the mermaid! He comes back to save her, she cries for joy. It’s a trap!! They snatch the tear and take the missionary away. The mermaid thinks her missionary boyfriend did it on purpose.

Blackbeard and Jack reach the Fountain of Youth, they’re about to do the ritual so Blackbeard can break a curse looming over his head (the one where Barbosa kills him) when Barbosa shows up! BIG fight ensues. Jack tries to break it up with a good point and a dash of humor. It doesn’t work. The fight continues. Enter the Spaniards, who smash the cups and teardown the Fountain in the name of God and leave.

The missionary is mortally wounded in the battle but runs to the mermaid to ask for forgiveness. She says she can save him and takes him down into the deep. In the aftermath of the fight, Angelica and Blackbeard lay dying. Jack can only save one, and it’s Angelica , and she hates him for it. All she ever wanted was her daddy. Jack maroons her on a desert island where she tries everything in her power to convince him not to. Stay through the credits, there’s an extra scene (8 seconds long).

And at the end, they leave it obviously open for *groan* another one. Which I’ll probably go and see when it comes out because not doing so would probably make me un-American. Don’t get me wrong, like I said, I liked the movie. It was a good way to spend a few hours. I’m just saying it wasn’t one of my favorites. BUT, there were three REALLY funny lines. *ahem*

Jack to Angelica: “You run like a girl.” Angelica to Jack: “You should know.”

Jack to Angelica: “If you had a sister and a dog, I’d choose the dog.”

Crap. I can’t remember the third.

Wait! I remember it! An English soldier (when the Spaniards arrive at the Fountain) scrambles to the top of a rock heap with a flag and declares the land England’s. The Spanish Captain shoots him and says, “Somebody note that man’s bravery.”

–Me

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